I am back! I took an unintended vacation to nurse my morning sickness..which is inadequetly named because it is ALL DAY sickness.
But I have had a terrible week and I am missing Bonnie. So I am back. I need to send some thoughts out into the Universe..and feel like that somehow they will make their way to her. The last few months have been CRAZY. First off..I am prego!! I am having a hard time getting excited because most nights after 6 I am too sick to do anything but fetal position and pray I go to sleep.
I want to tell Bon I am pregnant. This is a REALLY big deal. Especially since I said I would NEVER have kids. Of course, I also said I would never make the hoodie a staple of my wardrobe..and if you see me in the winter..in all likelihood I will be sporting the favorite hoodie. So things have changed and as bad as I hate it, I grew up.
There have been some milestones along the way that I have desperately wanted to share with her. One being I HEARD THE VOICE. Now don’t panic and book my room with a view at the Bend..no need for concern. I am talking about the devil voice that urges you to do bad. Let me put this in context. A few years ago Bonnie had a talk with my brother who was struggling with some personal issues. When I tried to talk to him it just annoyed him. He and Bon had a lot more in common than he and I. They both had addictive personalities. So Bonnie says to him “look..I know she (referring to me) pisses you off..she pisses ME off telling me to quit smoking..to eat healthy..to exercise..and it is REALLY hard to take coming from her because she has never heard THE VOICE” I had to stop them and ask WHAT voice..well they BOTH look at me like I am stupid..she rolls her eyes and looks at Travis and says “see what I mean??” and she tried to explain to me about the voice. The voice that tells you to do it. To do that thing you KNOW you don’t need to do. She was right..I AM annoying. I have never struggled with ANY type of addiction. I start or quit anything at will. Well about ten weeks into this pregnancy, when I had prayed a few times to just die to stop the nausea..I was laying in bed when I heard THE voice. It does exist!!! I had a bottle of Ambien in the drawer next to me..and a high does of phenergan not safe for pregnancy..either of which would have given me a few hours of rest. The voice kept saying “just take one..one won’t hurt..just one” and OMG I wanted to call her immediately and tell her..the voice EXISTS. All these years I did not believe in such things. I also wanted to tell her I heard AND denied the voice..but I am sure that would have came with some commentary about what a pain in the bum I am and I how I still don’t GET it.
I want to tell her that 17 weeks in and already something is leaking out of my breast. What the heck is THAT about…somebody should have warned a sister that these things happen this early..I am not amused. And speaking of breasts..if you hug me too tight and mash my nips..there is an extremely real chance that I will body slam you.
And what about this touchy touchy thing..am I REALLY going to have to endure a long line of virtual strangers invading my personal space. Not cool. I was totally traumitized to find out your belly does not start out firm..how the heck was I suppose to know..I don’t go around rubbing pregnant women. I actually asked the OB..”so..when does this firm up and I stop looking like a ball of flab??” He actually laughed. So I JUST got past the flabby fat looking phase. Now my friends and family..rub away..I may purr..but if you have never held my hair out of my puke for any reason..don’t touch me..I don’t like it.
BONNIE is one of the only women I know that I could call and say some of my REAL thoughts on this process and not get a lecture about what a MAGICAL time this is. Trust me..when you have to take Zofran three times a day to function..there is no magic. And I worry..constantly. Type A is in manic overdrive. Because understand..just because I NEVER EVER EVER EVER want to be pregnant again, does not mean I do not love and want this baby. Be prepared..I will bomb you guys with pictures of him as soon as I can get to my camera. But this process..not magic when you are too sick to even eat.
And let’s talk about my skin..she would LOVE this because I now understand about makeup. I have never worn foundation. I was blessed with a perfect complexion..now it is peeling and rashy. I suddenly GET having to put on makeup to go the Wal-Mart.
Also..about the Wal-Mart..get ready to see me on one of those people of Wal-Mart emails. My insurance company will only pay for 12 Zofran tablets at a time..so every few days I trek back in to get more. The first few weeks..I showed up looking like a homeless clown. You think I exaggerate. Trust me..homeless clown.
My road rage is out of control. Someone was recklessly tailgating me one day and I was on the phone with my mom. I SLAMMED on my brakes..she was close enough for me to see her eyes go wide and the panic in my rear view mirror. I can’t believe she didn’t hit me. I finish this tirade with a full fist shake in my mirror and a “if you hit me I will end you” that’s right..I WILL END YOU. She backed waaayyy off. You would think my mom would have been upset..she laughed and said…well..guess what..it is going to be a boy because I had this same attitude 33 years ago when I was pregnant with your brother.
Tonight I watched a sad movie I had DVRed on LifeTime..Bonnie just groaned..really..I heard it. She HATED LifeTime..thought it should be banned. Well I had no idea this stupid movie “Listen with Your Heart” was going to end in tragedy. I thought it was some sappy love story about a deaf girl. Oh nooooo. The male lead gets a Glio and DIES. No really..he DIES. I didn’t see that whole story line coming until it was too late. Then I was a hott mess of hyperventilating tears. Sometimes I still flash back on the last moments of her life. Not so much anymore..but sometimes. Like when I watch a movie where a guy’s best friend sits by a bedside and watches him die of Cancer. REALLY??? Right NOW I watched this.
So I made my blogging re-entry today. I can’t call her and tell her I love her. I can’t tell her I am having a baby. I can’t tell her that something will be missing the day I have this baby..because she won’t be there. My child will never hear her laugh..and will never know that he was denied a gift because of that. She won’t be at my baby shower. She will never touch my belly.
Tell the people in your life you love them. Don’t wait. We get so few REAL friends in life. I have been blessed.
I love you Bon..not a day goes by…
