Finding Me

 

I guess I could go on all day listening to sad music..

but instead I am going to tell you what the problem is. We are swiftly approaching D day. Bonnie’s diagnosis day. THREE years have flown by. Which is just another reminder of how short life is. This year is even worse because I have something I need to talk to her about. I feel like there is not one person on this Earth that I can share the things with that I shared with her. My grandma..before the pain meds took over..but she is gone now too. I know..I know..woo is me..I kinda have it all and am whining about what I lost. That is what I would tell YOU. I have loads of great cliches and platitudes and quotes about making lemonade. I am not so into that today. Tomorrow I will suck it back up. Today my heart is so heavy that it feels like it should physically sink to my feet. Today I need to talk to somebody who loves me. Loves me no matter what. A person doesn’t get many friends in life. People who will pick you up and dust you off. Someone who loves you despite your imperfections. Someone you can stand in front of stripped of all social grace, all political correctness..naked and vulnerable and STILL they love you. I have lost a lot. I don’t want to complain because I still have so much to lose and I am afraid of losing even more. But in the last few years I have buried so many of the people who loved me most, and pieces of me are buried all over town. So basically..I guess I am just having a bad day. Tomorrow I will focus on the good things. Today I am going to grieve for my beautiful friend who never made it to see 31. I am going to feel sorry for myself because I can’t go back. Because I can’t have back the time we wasted mad at each other, or too busy or tired to talk.  Because I can’t talk to her today and hear her tinkling laugh. Because she can’t give me the advice I really need from HER. And I am going to remember what it was like the day she died. I am going to pray that she didn’t feel my tears on her leg after I promised her that I wouldn’t cry, and that if she did feel them, that she knew I tried so hard but in the end I wasn’t strong enough. I am going to remember that day to remind me WHY we have to make lemonade. Life can be stripped from us in a single second and I have wasted this day that I can never have back grieving. She would not be happy about that. Tomorrow I am going to fight the good fight..do my part to change the world..to touch somebody..to make a difference. Today I am going to remember.

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  • Description

    My name is Angie and I was born and raised in a used to be small town called Soddy-Daisy, a few miles outside of Chattanooga. It is a place I have a love hate relationship with. Either way, the people there shaped my life and I carry them in my heart. I am a lover and a friend. But make no mistake. I am a fighter and force to be reckoned with. I wear many hats. I am a marketer, a photographer and recruiter. I have been described as ambitious, energetic and enthusiastic. People ask me questions like "Do you ever have a bad day?" The answer is YES, but if I do my job well, you will never know it. I believe in God and karma, and fate. I believe that how you treat others will land on your doorstep, and have lived long enough to see it happen. Who I am today is not the person I was two years ago. I lost one of my best friends to cancer and it changed me. Maybe not ME, but my priorities. I am artistic and funny. I love people. I love listening to problems and giving advice. But I get frustrated with people who do not take action. What's strange about that is, I myself sometimes hesitate to take action. People say I am intimidating. This is my favorite. I see myself as open and easy. Apparently I project agressive and ball-busting. I love the sun. I am fairly certain I will look 110 by the time I am 50. I love animals. I believe in right in wrong and that you should do whatever it takes, defy whoever you have to, to do what is right. I am NOT subject to group think. I will stand against the masses for what I believe in. Pray I am never on a jury with you, but that I am on YOUR jury. Most of all I believe in me. I believe that my life has reached the proverbially fork in the road. One way is the easy way, the accepted way. I know which way I will go.