My pregnancy story..well at least the start of it..
I have promised several people that I would tell the story of the CRAZY whirlwind that proceeded the birth of my love. It has taken three months because I am either too exhausted to put thoughts into coherent sentences..or am snuggling the little man himself. Of course I have to tell this story the same way I tell all stories, in excruciating detail..because it is the story of my new beginning. As I said in a recent post..I was in a dark place. A place that began about the same time Bonnie died..and no it wasn’t a coincidence. BEFORE she died I was struggling with the direction of my life. Professionally I had been very successful..but I had lost my passion. I THOUGHT it was because I hated the industry I was in. I hated the bullshit and the politics..LOATHE the politics. I wanted to CHANGE laws that I have since come to believe that no ONE person can change..not even the President himself. Back then I did not realize that it was just a job..it WASN’T just a job to me. I defined myself by my career. It was in effect what I lived for. My resume is one step after another to reach the $300,000 plus a year job. I was always looking forward..which in essence is as bad as looking backwards. I crashed and burned. I could not keep up with my own ambition. I looked around and I wanted MORE. I have surgeon friends whom I LOVE..whom I RESPECT that have tremendous personal gain..million dollar boats that they never get to use because they WORK all the time. I can’t timeline where Bonnie’s death intersected with an unease that was already there. I just know that AFTER..after she died I knew that I didn’t want to be the person who lived to work..the person who had chandeliers hanging over king sized bath tubs..but whose own children didn’t know them. I waited six months and quit my job. Just quit. In hindsight this should have been better thought out.
I should have seen a grief counselor..I needed help. I GIVE help..I don’t NEED help. I was in unchartered water. I lived on credit cards..something I had never done and didn’t understand the ramifications of. So now I am grieving, I am in debt, and I have given up a career that defined me. I am free falling fast. I DO need a career. It doesn’t have to define me..I now know I won’t live forever..so I will work to live instead of the other way around. I need people. I need the challenge. I need to support myself..because I am not a woman who wants to owe ANYONE anything. But now I wake up with no where to go. I am suffering from what I call “soccer mom syndrome” PLEASE don’t take this out of context. I love my soccer mom buddies..but THEY will tell you..when they get all crazy and paranoid and worry over STUPID, STUPID things..I will say “Dude, you are suffering from soccer mom syndrome..this is NOT a big deal..you just have too much time on your hands and are worrying about inconsequential things.” So here I am..with soccer mom syndrome..only I don’t even have a kid to take my mind off of things. I am about to crash. No one is there to catch me because no one KNOWS. I am ashamed. I am so blessed and I KNOW this but the grief over loss of a loved one, loss of a career, and what felt like was loss of myself has locked me inside the dark room and I can’t SEE the blessings I KNOW are there. I am thinking dark things. Suicidal would probably be a gross over exaggeration..it was more like indifference. I had ceased to care whether I lived or died. Had I not been swimming in credit card debt, I would have taken up every high risk sport you can imagine..conquered all my fears..lived like I didn’t care if I died. And by the way..there is a very fine line in living like you are dying and living like you don’t care if you do. Choices I had made were eating me alive. I am being very, very honest. Jay is on his way home from the funeral home. A friend committed suicide. Everyone is shocked. This was apparently a man who made other’s laugh. No one knew he was in trouble. So if that is you…if you are locked in the dark room..you are NOT alone. What really sucks about the dark room is that you think you are. If this is you..I hope you read this and KNOW there is a light..like the hymn goes “look by faith and see it my friend.” If you are reading this and this is NOT you or has NEVER been you! Yay! But smile today, say kind words, do a random act of kindness..because you never know who is locked in the dark room..and is searching for a light. Be the light. Ok..I digress..the point is this..I am locked in darkness and I find out I am pregnant.
I have always been ambivalent about kids. I was shocked at how happy I was. I met Jay at the door to tell him. I began a journal. I wanted to document every single minute of the experience. I felt at peace. I thought God had given me back my light. I suddenly was not overwhelmed with bills and grief..I was planning a life for a baby. I was planning to build my business..write children’s books..BE the survivor everyone thought I still was. I transformed in two weeks…and I miscarried. I truly never knew I wanted a child until I lost one. Now I am angry. Three years of my life and very little went my way. I had lost touch with the fact that the first 32 years were charmed. I rail against God. I blame him. WHY WHY WHY would He give me hope and then smash it. Now I was losing Faith. No one knew. During this time I posted something like “I am recommitting myself to Jack Daniel’s..if anyone has any objections..say so now or forever hold your peace.” This was the only indicator that all was not well. I laughed, I joked. Life went on. And sometimes I would look around and wonder why no one could SEE that I was dead inside. I listened to friends. I gave appropriate upbeat advice. I slept. All day.
Then an AMAZING thing happened. I was pregnant again!! I literally got pregnant the very next time I ovulated. The first time it wasn’t so planned. Not the right time..not financially stable..etc, etc. This time I knew when I was ovulating and we made a baby. Everything changed. I am being so very, very honest because there IS always a light. Things DO always turn around. They are good for a while and bad for a while. I think God planned it this way. If life here on Earth was so perfect..why work to get to Heaven? So I am through sermonizing and FINALLY to the story of my pregnancy.
I get a cold..hacking, green snot, crud. I buy a pregnancy test just in case..before I swallow a hand full of Mucinex. I swear I waited three minutes..I swear..and the first test was glaringly pink IMMEDIATELY this one was… well..nothing. So I swagger off to bed, take some Mucinex and wake up three hours later. It was the first of many “oh shit” moments..the line was pink!!! OH NO!!! It is Sunday and I call Dr. Brody first thing Monday…ummm yea..I took the pregnancy test..and THEN swallowed a handful of pills..I have no excuse. I am thrilled..and I am terrified. I JUST lost a baby and now I have dosed the second one with decongestents. The first indicator that I would suck at pregnancy.
well…I am going to stop here for now..baby man is hungry mad and I am off to see about him…stay tuned..
Much Love,
Angie
