Feb 22, 2012 (Barely)
Dear Jaxston,
It is three thirty in the morning and I am wide awake. You just had a bottle. You have a new thing. You constantly chew on my shoulder. I normally try to stop you, but it is late/early and I am tired. I put you in your car seat while I prepare your bottle. I like to pre mix. That way the entire kitchen isn’t ALWAYS covered with powder..and it is quick and easy. I have out the pre mixed bottle and I turn and see something black on your lip..perched precariously close to being inside your mouth. I have no idea why..perhaps because it is 3:00 in the morning and I am 36 years old and exhausted…but I think BUG. Whatever was on you had to come to you..YOU after all are immobile..so I guess I thought IT had to have legs. There was ZERO time to be rational about this. I did not take into consideration that I had personally bleached the floors twelve hours ago. I did not consider that it was baby-lip sized and flat..I do not remember crossing the distance to you or throwing the bottle on the floor..I just know that in less than a second my heart stopped and you were in my arms. It was a piece of black thread. I guess I had picked it up off of the comforter where I had laid the laundry earlier in the day before putting it away and while I slept it had rested peacefully on my shoulder until it was transferred to your mouth when you used my shoulder as a pacifier.
I am wide awake. Adrenaline shot through my entire body. Over a piece of thread. What am I going to do the first time you are in real danger? Losing Bonnie taught me the real meaning of powerless. Five years ago I would have been arrogant enough to tell you that I will ALWAYS be here for you..that I will NEVER let you fall. I don’t think in absolutes anymore. Now I think in terms of a greater love than I have known..what am I capable of..if someone hurts you? I am afraid to answer..I think I know..but some things should not be said outloud.
I watch you sleep. For hours. I just hold you and watch you sleep. I COULD get more sleep than I do if I just took you to your crib..but instead I drink in every change in your features. Just this morning, before the bug scare, I realized that it now takes both arms to hold you comfortably. You are only three months old and have tripled your birth weight. I can now sit your bottom in my lap to help support you while you feed. Was it just three short months ago that you were no bigger than a toy dog? That I hauled you everywhere in the bend of one arm with little effort? Suddenly I am selfish enough to be glad you were seven weeks early. I was blessed with seven weeks, five of them at home, with my beautiful baby that wasn’t supposed to be here yet. Yesterday YOU started watching ME. Really, really studying my face. For the first time in a very long time I felt beautiful. In your eyes I see my reflection and I see your awe and you do not see the new found third chin, or the unwashed hair..you see something..something that makes you smile. You are laid against my leg now, bathed in nothing but the light from a computer monitor, and I see the brightness in your eyes..eyes that have not left my face. Occasionally I look down and smile at you..and you laugh at me (maybe you DO see the triple chin) and all is right with my world. And I want to tell Bonnie..we were both wrong..I CAN be woken up in the middle of the night without shouting Sicilian curses. But only by you. I love you my tiny angel.
Forever,
Mom
