I am back for real this time.
I am full of words and silence and am trying to find the part of me that I want to share. I have a story..and despite the consequences I want to tell it. You do not have to chose to listen to my story. I make this disclaimer because a year ago, maybe it was two…I had a “friend” take issue with something I had written. His thin-skinned and ego centric wife MADE something that I said about her..the way people who think the world is always about them will do. My “friend” raged about my blog..asked me WHY I thought people CARED about what I had to say..WHY I wanted to put things out for everyone to see. At the time it hurt me. Hurt me that he thought I would purposefully hurt him. Hurt me that he thought so little of me. It hurt me that after all those years he knew me so little that he actually thought I wasted my time caring what hateful people thought of me. I write for me. And if something I say helps, inspires, encourages someone along the way..it is rewarding. If not..writing in and of itself is a reward to me. It is therapuetic for me. I sent his wife a very SINCERE letter. From my heart. Explained the blog to her. Shared some very personal events going on in my life. Asked her in these words “please pray for me instead of throwing me away.” Frankly I thought it was one of the bigger things I have ever done to cater to her hysteria. This “Christian” women took my words and highlighted sentences to which she responded with venom and hate. Hurt transformed to anger..she was a bully wrapped up in pretty packaging. I told her what I thought about her. I excised the entire malignant relationship from my life. But I fell silent.
My life has changed this past year. I am in love again. With myself and with my life. I am far enough removed now to say out loud the things I said in private to that pitiful woman. Two years ago I was in a bad place. A place that only those closest to me knew about. I had taken up house in a very dark room. God gave me an incredible light. I have always been able to solve problems and push ahead despite the circumstances. I have always been the person that my loved ones turned to carry them out of the very dark room I had taken up residence in. Suddenly it wasn’t a matter of could or couldn’t. I simply did not WANT to. Bonnie is dead..who was going to carry ME out?? These past few months I am overwhelmed by the people who have sent me messages telling me they missed my writings. People I had touched with something I said. People that I may not have ever called “friend.” Inspiration from the least expected places. People who also have what I call the light. The thing about having the light is that other people, like my ex friend will do their best to extinguish it. So today, on my first day back, I want to say THANK YOU to those people who fight the good fight..the people who reignited my passion and help me remember who I want to be. People who shared their light with me and guided me back out of darkness.
Yesterday I had a talk with my brother. What I will not do is share what others have confided in me. But let’s just say..I had NO idea. And I am heart broken. Prostate with emotion and guilt that I have helped so many people through such dark times with my honesty and my sincere love for people. I have listened to problems, gave advice, picked people up, dusted them off and helped them find their way. The men in my life say I always have to be “in the middle” of other people’s lives. This is a true statement. I have an open door policy. If I can help someone by sharing the lessons life has taught me…I will. But I let my OWN brother down. I knew him (despite what he says)..but I have never UNDERSTOOD him. He and I are opposites. If I am the Queen of the overshare..he is the King of locking it inside. I am sure there is a healthy middle ground. But he and I do not come from healthy. We come from a beautifully imperfect family. A family that lives on love. Something that I appreciate more after marrying someone who comes from a very different situation. For years I have wanted to tell the stories of my family. My beautifully flawed family. I promise you, V.C. Andrews could not compete with the stories I have to tell. Love and heartbreak. Fortunes gained and lost. Scandalous affairs. I imagine we all have these stories. I am thirty six. Losing Bonnie taught me that I will not live forever. I have accomplished so much. But I have not done ANY of the things I dreamed of doing. I have not written a book, I have not written a country music song, I have not lived my passion. Today I am taking the first step in that direction. I woke up this morning and thought the same things I think EVERY morning. Today I want to start writing again. Then comes the questions/excuses/energy zappers. What platform do I use?? Do I keep a paper journal? An offline journal? An online journal? Do I start a new blog just for this purpose? Will I offend someone else I love? Usually the process ends there. Today I gave myself the answer I would give YOU if you asked me..just do it. The sure way to fail is to not try at all. I have decided that I am going to do most of my writing online. YES I will offend someone. If I don’t, I have not communicated in a way that stirs emotion and that would mean I should listen to the nay sayers and just shut up. I WANT to evoke emotion. I want to make a change. In my life and in someone else’s. I want to use the gift God gave me to express myself, and maybe guide someone else through the dark place. I want to make somebody laugh. I am keeping THIS blog for now. I am keeping it because it is aptly named “Finding Me” and when I started it I was lost. Searching. I started this blog with lots of writings. I was actively trying to make sense of losing Bonnie, of my life without her. I was trying to figure out where her story ended and mine began. The answer is not simple. Her story will never end..and mine began long before I met her..now they are forever intertwined and she lives through me..and through all those she loved and that loved her. Then this blog became me surfing all hours of the night re-blogging pictures and other posts that inspired me. A tribute to sleepless nights and days wasted locked away in the dark place. Then I fell silent. In that silence I found my voice again. I found it through my son. I recently answered an email about him with these words..” Jaxston is awesome! I am in awe of him. He learns something new every day. It makes me wonder where the magic line is..when do we go from learning something every day to losing something every day? He makes me want to be a better person..and has reminded me that I used to aim much higher. He is the love of my life and has refreshed my passion for LIVING as opposed to just existing day by day. I have ALMOST forgotten just how SICK he (pregnancy) made me. ALMOST.”
So I am back. I am writing for myself and for my son. So one day if I am taken from him, he will know who he is and where he came from. He will know that the women in his life..the entire line..were strong and filled with so much love that sometimes they had to lock themselves in a dark place to heal from a life that isn’t always rainbows and sunshine. I want my son to know that he must ALWAYS make the choice to fall back in love with life..even when it has been a particularly cruel streak. I want him to be better than me. Stronger than me. I want him to carry on the legacy of love. I want him to understand that self worth is just that..it comes from self. I want him to KNOW his mother. Uncensored. I have learned more from my mistakes than my successes..I want him to know it is ok to make mistakes..but that he must rise above them. I want him to be a man not afraid to make mistakes..but to learn how to fix them..and when they can’t be fixed..and only then..to wad them up in a ball and throw them away. Today I am going to take advice from Nike and “Just Do It.”
I couldn’t decide on a direction. So this blog will be full of anecdotes and letters. Letters to Jaxston. And letters to Bonnie. She told us to write in a journal when we missed her and she would look over our shoulders and read it. So here’s to you baby! I am going to live the life I was meant to live. One day at a time. This is the story of my life. Follow if you want to…don’t if you don’t. If you enjoy what I have to say..please, please let me know..or if you want to challenge my belief system in a constructive way..do it! You might say something that helps ME grow. If you have something hateful and hurtful to say..say it..just know that it reflects on you..not on me..and I am back on solid ground and will not be silenced again.
xoxo- Ang
